We are just another couple stepping out of the closet. After much time lurking, it is time to step out and speak, when we have something of value to share. I (DK) have lurked around for some time reading many of the DD blogs. Initially, I was amazed that there are many sane, “normal” adults who have intelligently evaluated the pros and cons of DD before incorporating it into their marriages. FL and I are together because we believe in the role dynamics of HOH. I’ve always explained what I sought as an “old-fashioned” marriage. The kind of relationship your grandfather and grandmother might have had. Achieving this is a difficult thing in the modern world. And when you acquire it, instead of being able to tell the world, it is a secret you must keep.
Even though we have wanted the same thing, we have struggled communicating with each other. I would want things to happen a certain way. She’d want things to happen a certain way. Things just didn’t happen! I’d get frustrated with her “inattention to details.” Obviously, she didn’t care about “me” or “us”. If so, she’d recall at least some of the details. Right?! Off to the man cave I’d go. She’d see me going to the man cave as confirming my lack of caring about her and what she wanted. We’ve danced that dance several times in our ten years together. While I enjoy dancing with Fair Lady, that particular dance is my least favorite. Fortunately, I think we are on the way to leaving that dance behind us. We had a recent discussion (not quite an argument), which was “eye-opening” (Fair Lady’s words). The communication lines seem to have been opened. We talked and agreed we would use DD in our marriage.
We have few rules by design. She wants me to have final say. Will she let me know what she thinks about things? Yes! I’ve asked her to be honest and truthful with me. In the past, she has wasted so much energy trying to guess the “magical” correct answer that would make me happy, (baggage from her first marriage). We have always talked about major decisions that affect us. I don’t want that to change. Will we always agree? No! I don’t ask her to agree with me. I ask that she respond honestly. We agreed that the final decision is mine. Debate is good. I learned a long time ago that if you are willing to stop talking and listen you tend to learn so much more. She knows that she will be spanked when she doesn’t live up to her end of the agreement. She trusts me enough to let me decide when she’s fallen short of our agreement.
Thankfully, I don’t get spanked when I fall short of our agreement. It might be easier if I did, because I struggle with spanking FL. In the past, I have struggled with spanking her when she fell short of our agreement. I just wasn’t comfortable with spanking her. Why not? I love the idea. I love seeing her naked butt over my knee. I love the sights and sounds associated with spanking her. So, where was (is) the problem? I was taught that men don’t hit women. My issue was (is) reconciling my upbringing with what feels right for our marriage. Now, rather than retreating to my man cave, FL gets spanked. I won’t withdraw so I don’t say something I’ll be sorry for later. I won’t withdraw until my hurt feelings fester to the point that an argument ensues. FL won’t feel rejected or feel that I’m not in love with her. I know I’m not the only husband who has struggled with this issue. In time, we’ll figure out how to over come it. In time, I might be able to rent my “man cave” out due to lack of use. We can hope!
Welcome Dark Knight! I am so happy to hear your possibly renting out your man cave. D’artagnan finds it very difficult to overcome his ‘don’t hit girls’ theme in his life. We’ve talked about it more than a few times. He seems to override it with the fact that it means so much to me and has REALLY improved our marriage – and it honestly was in good shape prior to HOH ttwd Dd etc…. But there’s times when I know he’s cringing in the moment.
I love that you insist she not try to please you for the sake of it. It isn’t easy to believe you have that privlege (a solitary dance for some of us out here) and I commend you for insisting she speak honestly.
Thank you for placing my blog on your referrals; I will happily return the favor. My best to Welcome you and Fair Lady to Cyberia.
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Welcome Dark Knight! I hope your journey into Dd is a wonderful adventure for you both.
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Hello and a very warm welcome to you both. I hope your journey is as wonderful and fun as ours.
Thank you for linking me in your blog roll, I will add yours and look forward to stopping by again.
Love,
Ronnie
xx
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Externally Motivated Wife,
Thank you for the welcome! Hopefully, like D’artagnan, I can ignore the voices in my head and spank Fair Lady when it is needed. If spanking turns off her “I’ve screwed up again…He’s going to be mad and not love me” tape, it will be well worth the effort. I always want honesty from her. If pleasing me, harms her in any way I’d rather not be pleased.
Sara,
Thank you for the welcome! And thank you and Grant for such a wonderfully written blog. We’ve enjoyed reading it from the beginning, as many others have. Your willingness to share the experiences of your DD journey with those of us who walk a similar path is appreciated.
Ronnie,
Thank you for the warm welcome! We have enjoyed reading about your journey. We especially enjoy your humor. We strive to make our journey as much fun as possible.
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Welcome to blogging DK! Your story sounds all too familiar to how ours started. Enjoy your adventure into dd 🙂
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DK and FL,
Welcome to Blogland and best wishes on your DD journey. It is wonderful to have another HOH perspective and I look forward to reading more about your journey. You will also find that I have linked to your blog, and thank you for the link here.
Elysia
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Great post. I really appreciate your explanation of your feelings about getting started on DD and spanking. Would you mind if I email it to my husband? I don’t know if he will read it, but I am somewhat interested in the DD lifestyle. I say “somewhat” b/c I’m still a bit skitish… every time I mention or send him something I am wondering if I might be a little crazy asking that my bum be blistered when I step out of line. eeks! (and I know I will; I can have quite the know it all attitude at time…. but I digress. )
I do think this lifestyle would benefit us (again that feeling of dread popped up!) Like you said, it seems to work for so many sane, successful and normal couples.If he gets far enough to read through you post – I think he would appreciate your comments.
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Inspired,
Thoughts shared by others on their blogs have been most helpful to us. If what I’ve written helps you talk with your husband about DD, feel free to share it with him. Thanks for taking the time to drop in.
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I have a uk DD blog http://www.1950princess.blogspot.co.uk
Princess x
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